so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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