don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
