There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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