i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
