i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
