ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
