he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
