remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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