just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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