I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
