U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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