My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
