I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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