That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You have to summon your inner elephant
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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