OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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