my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
