Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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