i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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