I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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