break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
