if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
