Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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