I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
