i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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