just tell him i said nine months
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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