my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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