so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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