Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
