Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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