Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
