just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
