I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
