Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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