My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
