i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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