Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
