I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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