On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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