I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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