You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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