WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have post one night stand depression
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