Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
