her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
