I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
