Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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