I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I skipped work to stalk him.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
