I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
