so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
