My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
