When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
