Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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